Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in *kawaii_ryuichi*'s LiveJournal:

[ << Previous 20 ]

Sunday, November 30th, 2008
12:17 am	everyone is stressed and injured. i have to move tomorrow and no one is up for it. no one is willing to help, i dont know how we are gonna do it. i cant sleep and i am freaking out and having panic attacks over it. So many stuff running through my head n no one to talk to. lookin for an answer a prayer anything to get through this. so many problems i can even begin to say them because i am gonna break down like a baby crying uncontrolably. ill just say the passed has come to bite me in the ass again. i just hope i dont screw up n fall into that same depression and i just hope he doesnt fall off. my mother couldnt handle another.... Current Music: Jesse McCartney - "Because You Live" (Comment on this)
Monday, January 7th, 2008
4:50 pm	Killing me softly i heard he sang a good song i heard he had a style and so i am came to see him and listen for a while and there he was stranger to my eyes strumming my pain with his fingers singing my life with his words killing me softly with his song telling my whole life with his words killing me softly with his song i felt all flushed with fever embarassed by the crowd I felt he found my letters and read each one out loud i pray he would finish, but he just kept right on strumming my pain with his fingers singing my life with his words killing me softly with his song telling my whole life with his words killing me softly with his song he sang as if he knew me in all darkness there than he looked right through me as if i wasnt there he kept singing clear and strong I totally forgot about my assisment tests resaults. I guess its a good thing, I wouldnt have gotten any sleep otherwise. I remebered at the last minute and went with my mother. The man i had only met twice after doing a few tests with me...... he read me like a book to me it seemed by just looking at me. I felt completely naked sitting there as he looked at me and yet it also felt like an entire weight has been lifted off my shoulders. There are so many times within that meeting i felt the biggest lump in my throat. The tears couldnt be stopped no matter how much i tried. After this experience i left as that song above ran through my head over and over again in my head as i walked around as if in a dream. I swear i havent felt like this in so many years i cannot even tell you when i last felt care free as much as i do now. I feel like i still want to cry from relief, but i can't.....for some reason. All i can say right now is i am truely relieved....i dont feel as pressured. The pressure from when glen had left us has been in my body for so long i felt like i needed to get out of here as fast as i could and yet the only thing keeping me here was taking care of my mom. I knew she wouldnt be still alive if it wasnt for me and andrew. She has even said that herself and now i think i can say i am happy, but that doesnt mean i am going to be lazy, i must continue my search for a career. I am still looking for some sort of goal. My employment councilar is still wanting those questions answered. I dont know who to ask really...my mother shrugs her shoulders glen nods and shrugs his shoulders and andrews response is " oh...." * sighs* another search has been completes n another has just began already. ^_^ Current Mood: relieved Current Music: Fugees - killing me softly (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 5th, 2008
12:26 pm	o.0;'' [Error: Irreparable invalid markup ('<font [...] <b>') in entry. Owner must fix manually. Raw contents below.] <center><a href="http://www.geocities.com/mugenjoucrew/quiz/characters.html" target="new"><img src="http://img11.photobucket.com/albums/v33/mugenjouquiz/ginji.gif" border=0></a><br><font size="-1"<b>I am Amano Ginji.</b><br><a href="http://www.geocities.com/mugenjoucrew/quiz/characters.html" target="new"><i>Which GetBackers Character Are You?</i></a></font><br></center> (Comment on this)
Friday, December 14th, 2007
4:25 pm	A letter April 26th 2007 Hey Corena. It’s Me Lance how you doing? I just wanted to say hi and happy birthday and sorry I didn’t make it. Anyways I hope everything is okay and I hope to see you soon. From Lance I went to my gochavra e mail today. This is what i found..... my friend from the canoe journeys and political rallys, occupations and marches. I had grown very attached to him, like always i love to call someone closer than they are. I called him brother and accidentally dad once....he laughed and cuddled with me on the couch. We were stuck in a cabin in Gold river that time. No food, just coffee and peanut butter. His younger sister is one of the missing women you see postered around vancouver's eastside. He spoke of her a lot. He really loves her, he was always looking for her. He would go to AA meeting and AA dances he was one of my dance partners every friday night. He was never afraid to be the first one on the dance floor. He loved to dance. I remeber Sarah Hall my ex friend she was so creeped out by him. He would look around and she would say "he looked at me" he would smile at me and wave. He seemed to respectful to do such a thing. He was never into those kinds of relationships. All he wanted was to be happy and find his sister. Sometime after he had wrote this letter he died.... in front of his computer. His son found him at the computer. The attopsy says it had something to do with his heart. He was a wonderful man, I miss him. But I really do think he has found his sister. ^_^ * wipes tears from eyes and huggles ban-chan plush and walks off * Current Mood: lonely (Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 21st, 2007
7:29 pm	good news turns into a rant..... I don't no weather this would be good news or bad news.... but Glen and my mother will be getting married. I am not sure when or anything like that.They just spoke to us about it and went to the priest here and spoke to him as well. personally i am able to smile and feel happy for them. but also behind the smile i want to cry, i still hold very dark and angry feelings for glen. Ever since he left the house in vancouver i have never wanted him back in my life and i have never forgiven him. but he loves my mother and my mother loves him. My mothers right... i shouldn't be putting all of my problems on him..... none of it is really his fault....even if i would like to belive it.... it would be easier to believe......but its not right..... The other news is that my mother is getting her residentcial school money. I dont know if it was today or tomorrow....but ever since she has heard the news shes changed from night and day. Just like the flip of a coin, She has suddenly brought up everything i had done in vancouver and says i was lying to her. I never lied.... i never said a word....at least not until a couple days ago. The men, the smoking....is that lying?......now shes saying she cannot trust me again.... understandable....but now she is making more accumptions that i have been drinking and partying at my papas and sleeping with grandma gloria's newphew mind you hes like in his 40's.....hes ugly and i dont see him like that. She is now saying i am drinking in vancouver with my friends and doing other drugs.... i mean her mind has gone completely wild on this and shes coming up with all these crazy ideas..... who am i sleeping with? what kinds of drugs am i doing? i'm drinking with whom? what ever other stories i have said about my brother she doesnt believe they are true. she thinks i am partying with sean my lil brother... she thinks i am fighting with him....beating other ppl up....all this shit and its pissing me off.....cause no matter how much i try to fight these ideas that pop up in her head ....she doesnt believe me..... and you know... i think she has brought it up just to fight with me.... she continues to say she is gonna drop me off in vancouver and i would have to fend for myself.... basically kicking me out.... she is finding any little thing to fight with me about.....its seriously pissing me off..... she leaves here yelling at us...i make andrew and i lunch and she comes home and starts yelling at me for not making her any lunch.... meanwhile she never told me she was coming home. She never told us when she was coming back. Its like i am just suppose to read her mind and know she is coming home and have lunch ready for her. I have been cleaning all day and still she is not satisfied. Everything i do is like a mistake or not good enough to her. I mean i dont know how many times today i have reminded her that i have finished the test and by next year they should have a job for me. but no thats not good enough for her she wants me to be out there making money. I have never had a fuckin job, i can't get a fuckin job cause i'm fucked up in the head. I mean if mandy was to come up here to live it would take her two weeks or something to get a job, there are lots of jobs, but i cannnot do em....we have lots of job opens up here and i can't even get one... the more i am pressured the more i feel useless and the more useless i feel the more i just wanna fuckin kill my self... i'm not happy with my life.... i am not happy with the person i am ....the person i have become....i hate myself......and i know everyone else does too....i'm just a birden to everyone else....i have no hope for the future.....i just dont care about anything no more....even the things i enjoy doing is no longer appealing to me.... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 19th, 2007
9:28 pm	*_* ..... oh my gosh.... *_* *melts into her seat into big blob with hands on keyboard * Faeline Cadance (19/09/2007 7:35:37 PM): May I ask you something? sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:35:41 PM): sure Faeline Cadance (19/09/2007 7:35:51 PM): I know you don't know me very well, but...there's this friend I have... Faeline Cadance (19/09/2007 7:35:53 PM): xD Faeline Cadance (19/09/2007 7:36:01 PM): Do you have a significant othere? Faeline Cadance (19/09/2007 7:36:03 PM): other* sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:36:09 PM): no Faeline Cadance (19/09/2007 7:36:23 PM): xD sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:36:27 PM): lol Faeline Cadance (19/09/2007 7:36:39 PM): I have this friend, that is 23, and sweet, and cute.... Faeline Cadance (19/09/2007 7:36:43 PM): Would you be interested? Faeline Cadance (19/09/2007 7:36:54 PM): He's really a sweetheart. sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:37:20 PM): lol sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:37:25 PM): i dunno.. * other window * ytfrob (19/09/2007 7:39:51 PM): *Gets pushed into ya* oof...umm...hi >^.^< sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:39:58 PM): uh... hi ^_^ ytfrob (19/09/2007 7:40:18 PM): >.> She's a tryin' to set us up I think. sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:40:26 PM): uhh... * nods * ytfrob (19/09/2007 7:40:57 PM): Aaaaand she leaves us to talk... sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:41:23 PM): yea..... ytfrob (19/09/2007 7:41:27 PM): So like how do ya know her? sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:41:38 PM): shes a friend of a friend of mine i think./.... sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:41:45 PM): yea sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:41:51 PM): i know her through gaara-kun ytfrob (19/09/2007 7:42:58 PM): Ahh...and according to her, you're cute...Ok I know my ex gf left me for another guy...but she didn't have to do all of this. sakura_chan (19/09/2007 7:43:27 PM): * giggles* okay fast forward ===>>>>>> sakura_chan (19/09/2007 8:27:36 PM): u into music? ytfrob (19/09/2007 8:28:08 PM): I sing almost professionally what do you think? sakura_chan (19/09/2007 8:28:13 PM): lol sakura_chan (19/09/2007 8:28:21 PM): i would like to hear u sometime than * speaker phone comes on and he sings "elvis presley i can't help falling in love with you." his voice....oh my gosh.... i am not a real major elvis fan, but i cried.... i litterally cried.... cause he sang so good i was crying and giggling lol also melting in my chair as huge butterfly ran through my stomach... oh my gosh he has an angelic voice... *_* we have become very good friends i really hope to speak to him again * giggles* Current Music: elvis (Comment on this)
6:59 pm	turning a trick to turning my life around remebering......remembering....the pain....without love... couldn't get enough.....and yet i felt nothing at all...i saw the hunger... i thaught i was the worst person in the world....i deserved nothing, but those men gave me.....used and thrown away. it lefted my gulity conicous enough to love others at the time, when i knew i didnt deserve it. i can still feel and smell those men on me to this day. Even if we used protection...i still do not hold peace or forgiveness....its personal.... i've got straighting out to do....its got nothing to do with glen leaving....its got nothing to do with chantell leaving.... i just knew chantell deserved more than me.... i used her in some ways....even if i do love her.... i used glen as my excuse to abuse myself... the path i am walking i am walking alone. I am taking baby steps until i am full grown. I am not crying for once...although i do admit i feel numbed.... i put a clown face to mine and jump around acting like i am the happiest person in the world for those i love. Just so they will be happy, put a smile to their faces before the day ends. deep down inside i am stone cold baring the pain thats locked deeper within. Trying to cope with it in the best and most approprate ways that i know. Write them down on bits of paper and burn them, enough to allow them to leak out in peace and unseen. I am trying to find all the peices of myself and my memories....truthfully i do not remember very much at all. The only thing i actrually hold dear is sakasa's and i....our memories....its weird....actrually....i see bits and parts of her face and blurrs all around i cannot see where we are nor who else is around.... i can just see her and what she is saying to me....none of it makes sense sometimes cause i don't know whats going on. Life is litterally a puzzle, trying to find the peice and put them together.... and yet i still cannnot see the picture....i can't see it until i put the last peice in.... and i have only placed a few peices together.... i have just started..... i still have a long way to go.... everytime someone holds a mirror to myself i get scared and run....run from myself and run from that person....terrified....as all fucking hell....like what happened to chantell and i .... my mother still doesnt know what happened when we last spoke on the phone....as always my mother sees me as the victom and her as the monster in my life. truth is i was the monster, she just tried to show me the mirror to try and help me change.... i couldn't take it.... i know even today i still cant....my mother tries to do that to me a lot of the time when i have done wrong.... i curl up into a ball rocking myself back and forth saying i dont remember......forcing myself to forget like i always have.... i am still in the middle of my assessment tests...so i cannot exactly find the help yet...i need to get my life moving first before i can start fixing it...i want to be in school or have a job something... i cannot continue to sit here trying to remeber or moping anymore..... it only makes me more depressed and the fact my family is standing on its last leg only makes turning a trick all the more tempting....so my aunty has choosen to help me in finding a small job from a friend i'll be working for her friend and get a couple bucks on the side until i get my tests ready. i'll be in vancouver for a week so yea. i look forward to this small job it'll be my first ^_^ wish me luck Current Mood: calm Current Music: various artists (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 8th, 2007
10:56 pm	Don't judge me.... As those who have seen my journal posts beforei talk crazy, i probably am....but what i write in here are rants and raves....but sometimes those rants and raves come down so hard that i have pills lined up on my bed swallowing as much as i can......but you know i have kept that to myself only very few know of such things... but there is other things i have kept a secret....when i end up in those situations... there has always been someone who smacks me so hard it litterally smacks the sense back into me.... many times....i find this dream catcher amongst my things....it was my very first dreamcatcher i had recived from someone who i hold more dear to me than my very own heart beat..... one glimpse of that special object and I actrually realized how freaked out i had become....it made me sick to my stomach. Another time i had found a picture of this wonderful person with my cousin rebecca and me....it may have been one of the hardest times for that person, but simply to see that persons face in that very small sticker brought a smile to my face allowing my heart and pain to ease down to actrually tolorate myself.... there has been times i have phoned that person only to hear that voice to stop myself. Simple talk was able to allow me to stop myself. That person never knew.... Another time i had actrually went through with the pills and began hearing things.... only to have heard the very voice i had forgotten about... the very person who i know would morn my death, i could never hurt her on purpose for my own escapes..... I ran to the toilet forcing myself to bring those pills up......each time after seeing those reminding me of that person did stop me from making a big mistake.....it also brought a smile to my face thinking of that person that person gave me a reason to live.... no matter if that person doesnt know, when i most needed them, they were helping me, when i most needed it. Just to make it through the day and everything was okay.... just to live another moment and i will soon see that smiling face in front of me....that smile and that person keeps me going taking one foot in front of the other.... *smiles*when that person lived with me, i use to stay in my nightgown until that person was dressed, i would wear the same colors.... i use to watch every step that person took, only to walk like them.... When i look at this person i see the person i want to be strong in all aspects of life.... beautiful,smart, mature and yet so funny and fun to be around. In my eyes this person is the most perfect person... the person i strive to be, the person i want to be.... even last night.....i had a nightmare... all those tapes running through my head....my mother saying them to me... " your useless" " you will never amount to anything" " why couldn't i have a normal child?" " why was a cursed with such retarded children?" and other such things, i woke up in a cold sweat, my heart racing and i was paniced..... ever since i had lost chantell i have always slept with a knife in my bed, i grabbed the knife holding it to my neck this morning....the pointed edge facing me, just enough to draw blood as i prepared to force it into my flesh to end it all. only to hear that persons voice calling me, only to feel that presents of that person almost as if their arms where wrapped around me holding me..... it was than that crossed my mind," if she knew i was doing this she probably would hit my in the back of the head or slap me across the face for my foolishness." even though it would hurt, it is still nice to know someone would morn for me. To know someone loves me so much..... i dont think i could walk this earth without that person.... i have kept this inside for i do not wish to freak that person out.....that or get smacked or hit in the back of the head..... but that person ish my ban-chan ^_^ i miss my ban-chan i luv my ban chan *giggles* a new name i have choose that fits perfect. * huggled a ban-chan plushie * i hope to see my ban- chan soon....ban-chan has been on my mind is all.... and i couldn't hold such things to myself....its been inside me for too long....but i assure everyone this realationship is more than friendship.....its a sibling relationship that cannot be broken....even death it self cannot break our bond.....that i am sure of....* smiles* thats all thats on my mind.... please do not hurt me or judge me....this is my words from the heart.... Current Mood: grateful Current Music: none (Comment on this)
Wednesday, August 29th, 2007
12:36 am	things i have been thinking about...rambles that are meaningful to me you know today i have had a wonderful day, spent the whole day with my mother and other people of my family. There was laughter and everyone telling me they missed me. Hugs from all over and joking around with me and my mother. Each day for two months since the occupation there has always been frustration. Someone is always grumpy, upset, stressed or something. I cannot blame them. this house is a mess loss of jobs and family. Politics everywhere not knowing when your targeted next. normal stresses of family. my brother going back to school even tho he has failed three years an a row, he is unable to get up on his own let alone shower on his own and homework on his own. At least i was able to get a C in class andrew has only gotten i and f's. my mom unable to find a job in campbell river. She cannot leave us alone. Glen unable to help, his same pattern all over him living off of us again. he has no job and he isnt going to his meetings anymore. all of this stuff piling up.... throughout my time of being with countless different friends and telling them my pain and hardships i always got the same answer..... " you know you wouldn't have to go through that pain, if you were cold and hard inside." turning cold inside turning to stone.... no matter how many times i tried...countless attempts... i cannot....it make work for some people, but not me. I am too much of a emotional person i guess.... i cry a lot.. it seems like such a birden to me... when i try to be strong and i end up crying or if i am in front of a enemy who wants to make me cry i cry.... they think they have won.... but yea know its a blessing.....in some ways..... god or whoever you want to call it...gives us these challenges cause they know we can handle it....we are strong enough somehow... and i hear about all of these people going to theropy or however u spell it... cause they have become so numb and cold inside they cannot control themselves or there feelings. they stuff it in a closet and pretend its not there n when it gets too full they do something they regret..... i have done that ways too many times in my life... rebecca is one of those...she was standing up for her father...and i shot her down, cause she was against us..me in what we are going through up here on the rez. I love her so much, you know each and everyday i pray for her and her father. I pray that they will be alright and safe. Everyone is so mad at them i am afraid for their safety....they have made people so mad up here... and there isnt a day that goes by that i dont think about those days when we were children we use to fight for a hour and phone one another up and say we are sorry and i forgive you i miss you and beg our parents to see one another again and everything was alright again....god i would give anything to have that moment again....to have our talks casusal talks we use to.... hugs joking around... catching up... all of that.... going down memory lane...reminding one another of our foolishness....i really did grow up with her.. there wasnt a single day where she wasnt in my life as a child... it wasnt until i was in grade 7 that she left to another life of her own. i was alone for a year until i met sakasa and able to start my own life with her. Rebecca and I had this dream that we would have our babies together both rushing into the delivery room together and holding eachothers hand with our guys at our side...she beat me to it......she has two babies now.......she said she would have another if i did have a baby.....another thing we always spoke about was get our drivers and get a cheap car grab our bags and drive off to the south to the hot beaches and lay in the sun just the two of us. Also when we become old ladies she said cassandra, sara, sakasa and rebecca and I would all get together and have one big girls night of nothing but the spa dancing and partying drinks and all. You know its funny, i introduced cassandra and sara to rebecca and they are all still really good friends. She always said i have a way with friends. She even said she wanted to get to know sakasa. But when i was in the occupation and when i heard about how she was writing about me and my mother and my family when it was there time to stand i was so fucking mad i was seeing red and that was it.... we both agreed it would NEVER be okay between us.... its been that way ever since... same with chantell, i really did love her. I was so close to marriage with her. I must admit that.....she saved me from myself...if she hadn't come when she did i probably would be my older sister who just got stabbed the other day... ( shes fine now, out of the hospital) she's on all sorts of drugs and sleeping on the streets selling herself for the drugs. My nephew is with another family...... but i was in such a bad way, the realationship was so lopsided.....it was always me wanting the attention. She had to give me what i wanted all the time, just so i could feel better about myself and feel better. she had to pamper me and baby me. When she finally put a mirror and showed me who i was.... i got so scared, hurt, offended and selffish. I didnt know how to act after she told me that,the only thing i knew was to run, so i did...as much as it hurt i did....i regret it so much i really do....i know my mother hates her......but i really really loved her.....i still do, but she has her own life and her own girlfriend. but i still dont think i am a lesbain its strange.... i think i was just into that game....i probably still am......the only reason i believe now is cause i still have not found out whats wrong with me.....andrew has azburger syndrom. he can find help, but i am still left in the dark. No matter how hard i try to do something on my own i am unable. you could leave me in a room and ask me to clean it, i cant. I can try and try and try all day and get stressed out cause i think i am cleaning. but my mom and to everyone else it looks like i have done so little. I know i am a huge birden to people its a fact. I am still waiting for the doctors to give me an assesment test......you think it would only take three days to do so....but no....i have been waiting for almost a year..... my mother thaught i was fine, she thaught she was able to take care of me throughout my life....but that one night after we faught....i was up all night crying...and at 4am, i grabbed all the pills in the house and mouthwash and any other alcohalic thing in the house swallowed it all down. I fell asleep only to wake up to my mom coming out of her room. I couldnt hold down those pills or anything. I was pale n shaking... she found out than....and that is when she got me help... with hazel....which only lasted five sessions of her ranting and raving telling me "its not so bad and it could be worse......" i dont know how many times i heard that in one session. Another thing she always did was try to judge me as a lost youth who doesnt know who she is. All she can do is play the drama lines and allow the volins to play behind her words. She said that to my mother... my mother pulled me out of there...... to hear that from my therpist only made things worse for me. Am I really that much of a birden? my mother always said she wished she had normal children....sometimes i think she has given so much and i have nothing to give in return for i am nothing but a birden, the only thing i can give is death.......those tapes....i'm always on about...... they may still haunt me....but i am still alive.... and my mother does love me....even if i am a birden.... and i will find out whats wrong with me and i will one day live on my own. besides if i didnt have pain i wouldnt feel happiness. i wouldn't feel anything if i was cold inside or numb. I was given these feelings for a reasons. Teachings, sadness and happiness and all those other feelings. they are what make us weaker and stronger. they are what make us whole and human. even though i am going through so much shit and i may not handle it very well at least i am able to make it through alive and kickin. the pain will never stop and neither will the smiles ^_^ Current Mood: indescribable Current Music: various (Comment on this)
Monday, August 27th, 2007
11:22 pm	i know not many read my journal, but still it was fun my brother in the voice actors competition my sister and her one true love XD jk sorry onii-chan mr jack sparrow yay!!! he was a excellent cosplay and everything edward elric *giggles* movie version of course Naruto pictures GAARA-KUN!!!!!!!!! i loved the demon side everything was excellent, if i had the guts i would hug the person just cause i liked the costume. lol Sakura YAY!!! she was the best sakura i could find these two are so cute lol the itachi character the one on the left is last years bishonen competition also known as the walk off champion lady tsunade and her deciple she is so cool naruto and his master jirya i know i am not spelling it right but yea... these women were so pretty i had to get two pictures lol another sakura lol midna from legend of zelda twilight princess excellent costume zelda and link inuyasha the dog demon yay!! sesshy and his fluffy XD at least thats what he called it or something like that lol Miroku the prevert monk from inuyasha XD the all famous fmp crazy girl XD sorry i still uphold the tessa character onii-chan Squally squall this guy had the scar down pretty neat i couldn't help but take a picture, i don't have the name off hand right now but she was great singer i loved it bleach moment or pairing is still unknown to be, but i am guessing pairing.. hellsing lol this was kool, this girl almost made my energy drink come out of my nose, i asked to take her picture she was like yay, i took her picture and said thanks and just as i was walking away she held a feather in hand and said " forgive me i do not have a rose, but a single feather to show for my... " i started to laugh and took the feather and gave her a hug in return. I know it didnt sound very dark like, but she tried *giggles* we were bothing having a big laugh too bad i never got her e mail she was nice. Kenshin picture taking was small this year, but these guys were great! it was so cool watching them do this whole scene picca of me and brad squeeee, my fourth time meeting him and now i finally summon the nerver to ask for a picture with him. He actrually said i looked familar too >_>:; i went completely red and hoped and prayed on the spot he wouldnt remeber, since it has been the fourth time....seriously...not only my brother, but my mom is calling me his stalker ;_; (( I AM NOT!!!!!!!!! honest.... it just so happens brad was there when vic was.... thats all.. and same with the ferry and the third i wanted a picture.... but he was kicked out of the room by the staff and i didnt see em again until this year.... >_>:: please believe me... i am harmless XD )) scott mcneil lol i got lazy and didnt wanna wait in the long line up, so i walked by called his name out and took his picture as he was saying what XD funny expression, but i got the picture of him didnt I?XD Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: ryuichi!!!!!!!!!! (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 18th, 2007
1:48 am	What can I say..... I'm crying.... the tears won't stop.... my mom says its cause i am allergic to work. I am used of it by now, but the fact all those tapes run through my head......doesn't help me one bit. Looking at my future now....i am going on disability..... i can't finish school.... i give it 160%....and i still cannot even pass to grade 11..... I cannot get a job anywhere.... while my time in that computer course completely went down hill from when it began..... my mother said it was like putting a person in grade 4 in a grade twevel class.... it completely over whelmed me.....i was litterally having breakdown after break down after breakdown.... i am frustrated with myself.....i feel i cannot live in this skin....i feel the only thing i am good for is a birden to others and helping those in this political fight..... the day my mother is chief next year....my life will go back to the way it was before....meaningless....nothing to do but watch tv.....and eat and sleep... that is not a life....and all the feelings come flooding back of suicide....pills dont seem to work.....i am scared of pain....and there is no where to turn....everything costs something here....even to see hazel....who only seems to judge me and my family....asking me where i went wrong.....it was the day glen had left us...the day mandy and richard stayed the night with me..... when they had left....within hours later i had realized how much of a bad person i really am.....how useless i really am....it was than that everything went down hill from there..... i can remeber it all..... i continue to smoke hoping someday i'll die early from lung cancer... or maybe if i eat junk i'll die from obeaseity..or however u spell that..... i also keep myself at this weight for i do not deserve someone to love me.....i wish someone could.....or would.....but somewhere subconciously.....i cannot allow that to happen.....i realize it now..... there is nothing in my future....nothing in my passed....just people around me......who continue to hold me up..... i depend on people far too much.... i hate it......but its how i live....and the only way i see how i can... and will live for the rest of my life......i have nothing to look forward to and nothing to look back on....I am litterally a lumb on a log.....now my only fear is leaving everyone behind.....my mother cannot barry her children.....and yet i am never happy.....i cry every single day now......every single night i have been crying myself to sleep......and nights like these i find it really hard to sleep.... i cannot birden people no more with my problems......i have given up on that... i have given up on looking for help....for no one can help someone like me....when i get into these moods at night I avoid people.... all the time now i try to act so normal.....whatever normal is....sakasa and gaara-kun always seem to bring a real smile to my face its unbelieveable....even when i feel all this pain.....for that i never trouble them....this is not their problem...its mine and always will be it will always be there.....and maybe sometime in the future i will have the courage to commit suicide.....leave this world and that is when the pain will stop and i will not birden anyone....and that is why i do not want children.... i will not leave anyone behind..... Current Mood: calm Current Music: water (Comment on this)
Monday, June 11th, 2007
7:00 pm	I feel so defeated....and yet so a lone too... Just a handful are standing with me. my mother of course, papa Andy, Gloria, Gladis, Ralph, Thelma, Daisy, Mary and of course uncle Bill. Everyone says they are standing behind us and yet they are not there when we need them. They continue to complain about the band office and how the band office will give money to this person and not do this for that person or something or another. it was fuckin pissing me off, finally uncle bill decided to stand up and everyone stood up with him. This battle has been going on for four weeks now. Families split into two groups, your either on that side or this side. My closest cousin Rebecca Blaney, the girl I grew up with has told me she wants to beat me up and says we will never be okay again. I can never see any of us ever talking to my other uncle Darren ever again. it really hurts and to top off the cherry this is all over one fucking bitch. Roberta Smith, the band manager. To think one person can cause this much trouble. Rumor is she is already got another job lined up, and yet she has been pushing and causing all this trouble with our familes the courts and bussiness within the office. Five staff members who have been working there for fifteen years or more have been fired for no reason given. Those staff members are too scared to bring this to the courts or anyone for the matter. The only staff members left in the band office are either from another band or white. Its really sad to admit that. This bobbi smith woman has also kicked my aunty Lily, she is 80 years old she is in the hospital and she still thinks she has a home to go to once she is out of the hospital. Last week Bobbi Smith sent her son over to my aunty Lily's and they packed all of her stuff out on to the street in the pouring rain. Didn't cover it or nothing. Everything was soaked and she is now homeless and still in the hospital for a couple days. no one knows where she will stay when she comes out. Once her stuff was out of the way her son moved in, that home was for elders only, thats why the rent was so cheap. Bobbi Smith's son must be just a bit older than me not by much i am sure. That is just one of the "great" deeds she has done on our reserve. But today no one except those i have named above showed up today to protest. It was the day of Bobbi Smiths evaluation and we needed numbers we spoke of this for a few weeks now. Its like everyone has abandon us in the middle of the battle and we are getting the beat down. Why should I care when no one else does? Why do i care so much i don't even know. But right now i have this really bad feeling we will loose in the end. If we do i dont think i can show my face on that rez ever again. I may have made friends and like sakasa's lj says. People are never there especially when you need em. My social life is the most biggest thing to me in my life, no matter how much i try to ignore it or whatever its always there taunting me in the face, your a lone and no one cares about you. If no body cares why should I ? again the question comes up every single day.... what is my purpose of being here? being a live and suffering... I know i am not going to make it out in the world once my mother goes I am gonna dependant on my mother for the rest of my life and i will be lost with out her. I cannot complete anything and i will never win at anything. I will never be sucessful in anything i ever do..... so why? why am i here? I am nothing but wasted skin and a birden to everyone.... (Comment on this)
Friday, June 8th, 2007
3:49 pm	Trouble Help me ><;; God, I am going to court on tuesday for all this shit thats going on up here and it jus so happens to be in vancouver and rebecca is gonna be there and she has all her little friends after me -_-;; I am not able to bring my cousins with my to back me up either.....*sighs* I dunno what to say or do, but i gotta be there.....so everybody wish me luck....seriously.... (Comment on this)
Friday, April 27th, 2007
12:11 am	LT withdrawls ( laptop alright i broke my laptop plug in.....yay now i am so withdrawling from my laptop... i am like missing it so much its dead. I have so many songs on it, all my pictures and all my videos...*whimpers* oh well.... i got to go get another cord so i will not be on line (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 5th, 2007
9:36 am	Act Like a Boy - Ciara Pull up your pants (Just Like Em') Take out the trash (Just Like Em') You can dig cash like em' Fast like em' Girl you outta act like ya dig (What I'm talkin' bout) Security codes on everything Vibrate so your phone don't ever ring (Joint Account) And another one he don't know about [Hook] Wish we could switch up the roles And I could be that Tell you I love you But when you call I never get back Would you ask them questions like me Like where you be at Cause I'm out 4 in the morning On the corna rollin Do'n my own thing Ohh [Chorus] What if I Had a thing on the side Made ya cry Would the rules change up Or would they still apply If I played you like a toy Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy [Guy Chopped & Screwed Voice] Can't be get'n mad What You Mad Can't Handle that Can't be get'n mad What you mad Can't handle that [Verse: 2] Girl go head and be (Just Like Em') Go run the streets (Just Like Em') come home late say sleep like em Creep like em' Front with ya friends Act hard when you're with em' like em (What) Keep a straight face when ya tell a lie Always keep an anti-alibi (Keep Him In The Dark) What he don't know won't break his heart [Hook] Wish we could switch up the roles And I could be that Tell you I love you But when you call I never get back Would you ask them questions like me Like where you be at Cause I'm out 4 in the morning On the corna roll'n Do'n my own thing Yea [Chorus] What if I Had a thing on the side Made ya cry Would the rules change up Or would they still apply If I played you like a toy Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy [Guy Chopped & Screwed Voice] Can't be get'n mad What You Mad Can't Handle that Can't be gettin mad What you mad Can't handle that Can't be get'n mad What you mad Can't handle that Can't be gettin mad What you mad? Can't handle that [Bridge] If I was always gone With the sun get'n home (Would Ya Like That?) Told you I was with my crew When I knew it wasn't true (Would Ya Like That?) If I act like you Walk A mile off in yo shoes (Would Ya Like That?) I'm mess'n with your head again Dose of your own medicine [Chorus] What if I Had a thing on the side? Made ya cry? Would the rules change up Or would they still apply If I played you like a toy Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy [Guy Chopped & Screwed Voice] Can't be get'n mad What You Mad Can't Handle that Can't be get'n mad What you mad Can't handle that Can't be get'n mad What you mad Can't handle that Can't be get'n mad What you mad Can't handle that [Music Plays] [Outro] If I played you Would yo like that Had friends Would you like that Nother car Would you like that? Hell naw You wouldn't like that No [Half-Chorus] What if I made ya cry Would they still apply What if I If I played you like a toy Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy [Music til' song fades out] Current Music: Ciara - like a boy (Comment on this)
4:13 am	Clueless Uke Take Are you a Seme or an Uke? today! Created with Rum and Monkey's Personality Test Generator.</p> (Comment on this)
Sunday, April 1st, 2007
11:03 pm	I am known by many names, pick and choose......just dont say anything about my phyical form....-_-;; i hate being called shorty.... (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
6:05 am	Gunning Down Romance lyrics Love and other moments are just chemical reactions in your brain In your brain And feelings of aggression are the absence of the love drug in Your veins, in your veins Love come quickly Because I feel my self-esteem is caving in It's on the brink Love come quickly Because I don't think I can keep this monster in It's in my skin Love and other socially acceptable emotions are morphine They're morphine Cleverly concealing primal urges often felt but rarely seen Rarely seen Love I beg you Lift me up into that privileged point of view The world of two Love don't leave me Because I console myself that HallmarkT cards are true I really do I'm gunning down romance It never did a thing for me But heartache and misery Ain't nothing but a tragedy Love don't leave me Take these broken wings I'm going to take these broken wings And learn to fly And learn to fly away And learn to fly away I'm gunning down romance (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 11th, 2007
10:41 am	From far away, let your eyes shine; those who have awakened are still waiting. Seduce the ramparts of the night in the cast-off pile of skins left by things that now live elsewhere. (without an exit) if you intend to survive the impact (to the point where you fall apart) enrapture the deceits You who have been reborn, color your eyes without smiling alone. Even if the world you've longed for has suddenly burned to ash, in some miracle we could still brush into each other. (Hold me gently in order to break me) Be exposed in a state of purity like a flower whose petals have fallen. You're just beginning to notice the days are shining jewels cupped in your hand. (A cold hand) gathers up the shed thorns, so (A banked flame) continues to smolder Let's depict the vividly dancing thoughts found in that place of light that is unreachable even now. Don't fear the passage of time, so that words of guidance won't completely spill out and flow away.(And there's no way out) (I'm falling further down)To the reincarnation of you, I say color your eyes without smiling alone. Even if the world you've longed for has suddenly burned to ash, the miracle could still happen to come again.Let's depict the vividly dancing thoughts found in that place of light that is unreachable even now. Don't fear the passage of time, so that words of guidance won't completely spill out and flow away.(Hold me gently, always catch me, more and more, in order to break my heart) (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 9th, 2007
9:42 am	HEY!!!! SPARKLES!!!!! HAHA I FOUND SPARKLES!!!!!! *throws it around jumping around * today seems to dark, and yet i feel completely different....there seems to be stress all over....but that isnt getting to me... i wanna feel like my mother.....today is a stressful day..... but lemme feel HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! at least for now....for this moment.....i would like to believe i can do anything....especially....my one goal right now.....but i aint tellin..:P only one person knows my secret.....*giggles* and if anyone knows me i am gonna get my way no matter what * snickers and dances to biff naked song * boy am i on a roller coaster ride....but i swear i am not bi-polar..XD but i must say thank you...some people was down wit me for the ride.... *chuckles* but rigt now i am SPARKLING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! * throws more sparkles and runs off * Current Mood: bouncy Current Music: christina - figther (Comment on this)